Episode Twenty-Nine: "Alan Keyes Jumps to the Stage and Shouts 'Sic Semper Tyrannis'"

MARY: Alan Keyes makes me laugh so hard my ribs crack, Rhoda. Do you think he has a favorite New York Post cartoon?

RHODA: The one where two New York cops shoot the writer of the stimulus bill. One of the cops says, "I saw President McKinley sit up in his coffin pointing at man in monk's attire whom I recognized as the writer of the stimulus bill. President McKinley said: 'The writer of the stimulus bill is my murderer. Avenge my death.'"

MARY: I saw the cat in the building across the street sit up on his window sill and lick his left haunch brittle clean.

RHODA: Alan Keyes said, "Barack Obama is a radical communist. He is going to destroy this country and we are either going to stop him or the United States of America is going to cease to exist."

MARY: Those gulags in North Dakota frighten me, Rhoda.

RHODA: Don't even get me started on Obama's Five-Year-Plan and all those tractors.

MARY: That reminds me of Alan Keyes's joke about the police officer who shoots the writer of the stimulus bill.

RHODA: It's a good one. Alan Keyes turns to the officer, smoke still seeping from his gun, and says, "You are a stalwart of the stalwarts. You shot the writer of the stimulus bill because you did your duty. You shot the writer of the stimulus bill because he was the enemy of the people. The good working people. I am not sorry for your crime."

MARY: Do you think Alan Keyes stole my red Squeaky Fromme cape?

TED BAXTER: Botticelli bouncy boundary bounty bourgeoisie the Bowery bowie bowling-alley boysenberry Bradbury Bradley brainy brandy brassy brawny breezy breviary brevity brewery bribery Brie briny Brittany broccoli broody brotherly Brown-Betty brownie brutality bubbly buddy budgetary budgie buggy buffoonery buggery Bugs-Bunny bumblebee bunch-of-malarkey buoyancy bureaucracy burglary Burgundy.

RHODA: Alan Keyes is an abomination. He's a man with such a seared conscience, I can't even understand why anyone in their right mind would consider him worthy of political support.

MARY: Alan Keyes better give me back my cape.

Hooray For Our Chains (8)

"There will always be a moon over Marin"

Alice Bag perched on the surface of the Mediterranean. Bettina Köster was so potent that her power could be felt from three days before to three days after. Judy Nylon recycled dead organic matter into reusable nutrients, and Honey Bane, always accused of incidents, forced herself to fly from New York to London in the hair and skin debris of infected animals. Irene Dogmatic and Patty Palladin survived for a long time in an oak tree in Jewell County, north central Kansas, with nothing to eat but small itchy welts resembling mosquito bites. Cosey Fanni Tutti invented two simple scales to determine the level of sky darkness where she lives. Jean Caffeine's cutaneous sensations were considered by many investigators to be a form of pain. Mary Tantrum Lawler is no more dangerous than an algorithm.

To the Grudge Cymbals of Time

GRADY GIRLS: Shimmy, hurry up please. It's time.

SHIMMY: You can gossip about me but you can't fit under the bed.

GRADY GIRLS: Hurry up please it's time.

SHIMMY: Our god is the god of tramp, our heart the speed drum!

GRADY GIRLS: Come play with us, Shimmy. Forever and ever and ever.

SHIMMY: They have a red sticker on my file at the Den of Spies. I don't care how loud and discordant Dr. Yawn's sonogram is. I do what I want.

GRADY GIRLS: Come play with us, Shimmy. We've missed you.

SHIMMY: No one can fit under the bed but me.

GRADY GIRLS: Come play with us. Forever and ever and ever.

SHIMMY: The sticker is red and it says "CAUTION." Tony doesn't own a car.

GRADY GIRLS: Hurry up please it's time.

SHIMMY: Is Tony going to scoop me up in his Big Wheel and chauffeur me around the Overlook Hotel? I don't think Dr. Yawn lives in a hotel, Grady Girls!

GRADY GIRLS: He rented an I-GO Car for five hours.

SHIMMY: Your loathsome obloquies, your preposterous words -- why do you always talk to me like I'm Mohammed Mosaddeq?

Give Me Back My Red Squeaky Fromme Cape!

Karl Rove and Ed Rollins invited the War on Terror to the hospital, where it got a job as a bartender. Glenn Beck wiped blood from the "break" or "parting" stick he used to pry open fighting dogs' (pit bulls') mouths during fights. "If Mexico collapses," Glenn Beck said, "then refugees will come here to reclaim California and Texas." The Ex-Vice President of the War on Terror stole my red Squeaky Fromme cape when he fled the White House. Two unidentified members of the Shin Bet were surprised that everyone had gathered at the hospital in the War on Terror's honor. Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham met Sean Hannity and E.D. Hill for an evening out. When the ladies were alone, E.D. Hill wanted to know why Ann Coulter wasn't devastated over not being able to have a baby, so Ann Coulter confided that she thinks about dead people when she's making love.

Fred Barnes and Michael Savage returned home and started getting frisky. Michael Savage assured Fred Barnes that Michelle Malkin was wearing my red Squeaky Fromme cape underneath her blouse (she wasn't). Michael Savage later felt guilty during their afterglow when he rhapsodized about the trust in their relationship. "If my red Squeaky Fromme cape is not returned to me, then any form of government as a result of these elections will not accept the two-state solution, they will not accept the agreements signed, they will continue with the settlements' activities and the incursions and the attacks," I said. Michael Savage told Fred Barnes: "And to this day, people wonder why JFK, Jr., died in a plane crash, and then suddenly, entering from stage left -- the carpetbagger Hillary Clinton, who moved to Chappaquiddick. And next, you know, she's running for the presidency." When they were getting ready for Round Two, Sean Hannity caught Ann Coulter trying to perforate another condom. He flew into a panic when she confessed to already punching holes into the first condom and that she could already be pregnant.

Electricity Comes From Other Planets

Today you have full confidence in the power of love, dear Shimmy, and your magnetic charm makes your fur shine both on your left side and your right. The Wastebasket Enemy Combatant is taking you into its confidence, and Joe Lieberman is telling funny jokes about torture as if he were powerless to stop it. He punishes us because we don't love him enough. You have the right words and the right gestures to comfort water bugs before you kill them, Shimmy, and you give sensible advice to mice who think they can hide in the radiator.

Guided by your lucky star, you are projecting a quiet strength that draws people to you with can openers in their hands as they let you out the front door and you finally walk up the uncanny third-floor stairs into the whelm of skylight, the neumic drone of rank and febrile dogs upstairs, the mystery source of giant shoes you hear on the ceiling. You are a lamp attracting a gang of moths into your cunning, vainglorious mouth.

During the day, when Tony is at work and Ngo Dinh Diem is winning another election in Iraq, you are given more responsibility and gain favor in the eyes of the cat who lives in the building across the street and pretends he can't see you when he licks himself. Judgment and Strength give off a highly charged positive and stabilizing energy, suggesting that your abilities will receive the recognition they deserve. Fulfillment is in the air -- there could be a new felt-covered animal filled with catnip on its way to give your career a boost. And why not?

Hooray For Our Chains (7)

Glenn Beck and I Interview Rod Blagojevich

GLENN BECK: Now, I am going to say what I believe is true, and I do believe that Barack Obama is a socialist. He has Marxist tendencies. He may be a full-fledged Marxist. He has surrounded himself with Marxists his whole life.

SHIMMY: Your mouth is sallow and thick with suet, Glenn Beck. You're a crybaby. If only you showed such depth of feeling when you tortured and killed all those dogs (pit bulls).

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: You can bring in 10 angels and 10 saints led by Mother Teresa saying that you did nothing wrong, it won’t matter. I thought about Mandela, Dr. King, and Gandhi and tried to put some perspective to all this. And that is what I am doing now.

SHIMMY: I remember your Salt Satyagraha, when you marched 248 miles from downtown Chicago to make your own salt on the shore of Lake Michigan.

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: You could bring in 15 angels and 20 saints led by Mother Theresa to testify on my behalf and it wouldn't matter. But whether it's a court of law or administrative hearing or whether it's schoolyard justice when one kid hits another, but the kid that hit him wasn't the one who did it—he's got other boys he'd like to have tell the teachers he didn't do it.

SHIMMY: I thought I saw a horsefly yesterday. But when I ate it, I only tasted a dust ball.

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: I remember when I was a freshman in Congress and I got a chance to be on what they called a conference committee. What a thrill it was for me to be able to be in a room with legendary U.S. senators like John Glenn and Ted Kennedy and John McCain and John Warner, the senator from Virginia who, incidentally, had once been married to Elizabeth Taylor.

SHIMMY: You know, they refused Jesus, too. But you're not him.

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: No evidence was presented to prove criminal allegations. There hasn't been any evidence to show or prove any criminal conduct. If they can do this to a governor, they can do this to any citizen in Illinois.

SHIMMY: The evidence is the dogs (pit bulls). The citizenry of Illinois didn't torture them. Glenn Beck did.

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: Would she take the call of the governor of Illinois? Because Oprah is Oprah and I'm only the governor of Illinois.

SHIMMY: Those girls don’t all love you, you liar! Impeachment begins, grows, and disappears because dissatisfied people break through the world of official expressions and go beyond its festivals into the cold of interstellar space, thousands of degrees below freezing point or the absolute zero of Fahrenheit or Centigrade.

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: There was a cowboy who was charged with stealing a horse in town. And some of the other cowboys, especially the guy whose horse was stolen, were very unhappy with that guy. And one of the cowboys said, "Let's hang him." Then the other cowboys said, "Hold on. Before we hang him, let's first give him a fair trial. Then we'll hang him."

SHIMMY: Continental drift carries you farther away each day. The virgin forest is less virgin than you!