Thursday, April 30, 2009

My Interview with Michelle Malkin, Who Wants to Keep Catholic Children Out of the United States (Part 2 of 2)

SHIMMY: Would everyone be happier, Michelle Malkin, if those Catholic kids from St. Francis Prepatory in Queens had stayed home for spring break instead of going to Cancun?

MICHELLE MALKIN: We've heard for years that calling any attention to the dangers of allowing untold numbers of people to pass across our borders and through our other ports of entry without proper medical screening is racist.

SHIMMY: Don't stand so close to my litter box.

MICHELLE MALKIN: Make no mistake about it: illegal aliens are the carriers of the new strain of human-swine avian flu from Mexico. If we lived in saner times, the borders would be closed immediately.

SHIMMY: Why do you hate those Catholic kids so much?

MICHELLE MALKIN: If you are a family, Shimmy, and you're down in Mexico and you're dying and those in America are not, why wouldn't you flood this border? Why wouldn't you come across this border?

SHIMMY: If we tightened border security and didn't let those Catholic kids come back to Queens, where would they go? What if they don't speak Spanish?

MICHELLE MALKIN: Each one of those people is a biological weapon. Illegal immigration equals and surpasses the impact of 9-11.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

My Interview with Michelle Malkin, Who Wants to Keep Catholic Children Out of the United States (Part 1 of 2)

SHIMMY: Welcome to my bean bag chair, Michelle Malkin. Don't sit down.

MICHELLE MALKIN: I've blogged for years about the spread of contagious diseases from around the world into the U.S. as a result of uncontrolled immigration.

SHIMMY: Maybe those Catholic kids from Queens finally will get serious about borders now, Michelle Malkin.

MICHELLE MALKIN: 9/11 didn’t convince the open-borders zealots to put down their race cards and confront reality.

SHIMMY: The first victim of swine flu was a four-year-old boy who lived near a pig farm run by a company called Granjas Carroll, which is owned by U.S.-based Smithfield Foods. The boy lives in an area where residents have been complaining since March that contamination from the pig farm was tainting their water and giving them respiratory infections.

MICHELLE MALKIN: Could this be a terrorist attack through Mexico?

SHIMMY: Granjas Carrol's pigs produce so much excrement that the company allows huge volumes of shit to run out of the pigs' slope-floored barns. The pig shit sits blithely in the open, untreated, where the elements break it down and gravity pulls it into groundwater and river systems.

MICHELLE MALKIN: We’ve heard for years from reckless open-borders ideologues who continue to insist there’s nothing to worry about.

SHIMMY: I'm worried about those Catholic kids from St. Francis Prepatory who returned to Queens from Mexico and infected everyone with swine flu.

Friday, April 24, 2009

My Index

Ratio of the number of U.S. tenth-graders who smoke marijuana in a given month to the number of torture deaths that can be attributed to John Yoo from 2002-2008: 11:10

Average number of text messages sent or received each month by an American teen that say, "Every parish must destroy the old oils from last year and get new oils from the Chrism Mass. Each parish priest gets his own oils from the common vat blessed by the bishop for the entire diocese": 1,956

Number of promises made by veterinarians that the St. Petersburg Times is tracking through its online "Obamameter": 510

Number so far it has called "kept" and "broken," respectively: 0, 120

Years in prison to which one can be sentenced under French law for helping a veterinarian hold me down for a sonogram: 1

Average number of hours after the beginning of an empty food dish that NF Formula kidney pellets resume: 4

Number of Dallas-area mothers whose conversations about the Mayakovsky Tree's open perfume bottles shaped like pine cones a marketing agency covertly monitored in "mommy stings": 400

Average number of times a group of mothers said "The Mayakovsky Tree has green, square leaves on which stand enormous plates with tangerines" per minute of conversation: 1.3

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Hooray For Our Chains (11)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Episode Thirty: "Instead of a Knife Between Our Teeth, We Have the Drool of Chuck Norris on Our Lips"

MARY: From a philosophical, scientific, or moral point of view, how can Chuck Norris's happiness be trivial, Rhoda?

RHODA: This fact may perhaps be one of the final causes why the body exists at all.

MARY: Chuck Norris tramps for days with callused feet and the sluggish fish of his imagination.

RHODA: Chuck Norris wants us to start a "second American revolution." He wants us to rise up and overthrow the first President we've elected in eight years.

MARY: A high school in Chicago won't let Bill Ayers give a speech.

RHODA: If Ted Nugent stood in an airport security line saying "We must tell Emperor Obama to not mess with Texas -- don't tread on me or any of us," he'd be arrested.

MARY: Ted Nugent guffaws and whinnies, Rhoda, and rages on raw meat.

RHODA: President Obama took away my War on Terror without asking me, Mary.

MARY: The refusal of Chuck Norris is the refusal to be bartered.

MURRAY SLAUGHTER: Under Chuck Norris, today's tiny masturbations are a feeble replacement, Mary, for the orgiastic heights offered by eternal salvation.

RHODA: The decline and fall of Chuck Norris parallels the decline and fall of myth. Instead of a knife between our teeth, we have the drool of Chuck Norris on our lips!

MURRAY SLAUGHTER: Our only gods were the heroes of Homeland Security, heroes of Total Information Awareness, heroes of enhanced interrogation, heroes of the frigidaire.

MARY: All he had to do was ask me, Rhoda. Everything in the food dish now tastes like Enalapril.

RHODA: It was my War on Terror, too.

MARY: Every three days, mystery powder appears in my dish like a crushed one-quarter tablet of baby aspirin.

RHODA: The total information awareness of the War on Terror, with which all human possibility was identified for all time, had no external limit but the fear of falling back into a formless animal condition.

MARY: I slept for 14 hours on the same spot on the bean bag chair yesterday.

RHODA: With the War on Terror, an impersonal memory appeared: the memory of the administration of society. The War on Terror is the total thought of the state; archives are its repressed memory.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Hooray For Our Chains (10)

Friday, April 03, 2009

Tanveer Ahmad? "How Can You Overlook a Guy Who Died in Your Custody?"

Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity asked Glenn Beck about the blood he wiped from the "break" or "parting" stick he used to pry open pit bulls' mouths during fights.

Glenn Beck said he spends his prison time reading, writing, working as a janitor at 12 cents an hour, and filming his Pravda television show.

Incarceration, Glenn Beck said, has given him time to think about the dogfighting conspiracy conviction and how the government is a heroin pusher using smiley-faced fascism to grow the nanny state.

Sean Hannity told Glenn Beck that Ann Coulter has been tense ever since she fell for Car and Driver's April Fool's fake story that claimed President Obama ordered GM and Chrysler to cease their participation in NASCAR because it is an "unnecessary expenditure."

Ann Coulter returned with ten small envelopes, a bottle of cheap perfume, and a bottle of rum. She gave fifteen dollars to Sean Hannity, who gave the fifteen dollars to Glenn Beck.

"If Obama can tell GM and Chrysler that their participation in NASCAR is an 'unnecessary expenditure,'" Ann Coulter said, "isn't having public schools force students to follow Muslim rituals, recite Islamic prayers, and plan 'jihads' also an 'unnecessary expenditure'?"

Sean Hannity left the building and went for a walk in the marina. He looked at the public school students planning jihads and was clearly deep in thought.

"The Obamas presented Her Majesty with an iPod," Sean Hannity said. "but here's the problem: she already had one. The administration's tin ear after this latest slight of our closest ally is just the latest episode in the administration's not understanding the mood of the globe as it continues to press for an unprecedented redistribution of wealth."

Glenn Beck wanted to know specifically how the pit bulls he tortured and killed fit into things. "This place is perfect for you," Sean Hannity said, running his hand up and down the bars of Glenn Beck's cell.

Ann Coulter watched from the background. "Just stay here," she said. Glenn Beck almost got choked up.

"Illegal aliens," Ann Coulter said, "cost the American taxpayer more than $10 billion a year in Medicaid, Medicare, food stamps, free school lunches, prison, school and court costs."

She added: "When I'm making love, I think about Tanveer Achmad, an immigration detainee who died of a heart attack because he got no medical attention in a New Jersey prison; Ana Romero Rivera, a 44-year-old Salvadoran cleaning woman who was found hanged in 2008 in an isolation cell in a county jail in Frankfort, KY, where she was awaiting deportation; and an 18-year-old Haitian woman, known only as 'Mari Rosa,' coughing up blood for hours without medical attention in 2007 at the Glades County Jail in Moore Haven, FL."

Sean Hannity maneuvered the rocks and walked closer to the water.