Thursday, September 25, 2008

Debate or Wait? But What About All Those Dogs (Pit Bulls)?

I disagree with John McCain that we should wait until Glenn Beck is released from prison before we start the presidential debates. What about all those dogs (pit bulls) that Glenn Beck tortured and killed? Could John McCain look those dogs in the eyes, honestly, and tell them it's OK to wait? I know, Glenn Beck claims that he tortured and killed all those dogs (pit bulls) because he discovered that one of them, a super-intelligent American Pit Bull named Caesar, had arrived in a spaceship from the future, when Pit Bulls would rule the earth and enslave all humans. But that doesn't justify McCain's grin (and mordant chuckle) when reporters began shouting questions, none of them answered. Even though Tim Russert is dead, we should still start the debates. I know McCain was a POW, but Glenn Beck was caught with a "break" or "parting" stick for prying open dogs' mouths during fights and an electric treadmill modified for dogs (pit bulls).

Monday, September 22, 2008

Neil Cavuto Knows He's Always Right Because He Knows How to Prove it Step-by-Step

Neil Cavuto is no place for a small child.

Aside from not being able to eat or sleep, Neil Cavuto is exactly like a regular boy, delighting in mimicking and picking up new information, as well as being able to play games.

Neil Cavuto says things like, "Nothing mattered to her so much as the owning of things and people."

This was at first so taxing on my nerves that the twelve nuns were forced to take turns in order to save themselves and to summon the necessary strength to continue facing the siege.

Neil Cavuto says things like, "I tried to look pitiful because I knew it pleased people."

On another occasion, Neil Cavuto obtained access to Excel spreadsheets titled, "Non-Terrestrial Officers," containing the names and ranks of U.S. Air Force personnel not registered anywhere else.

Having been told by his parents about the barbaric practices of the police in Syria, Neil Cavuto begged them not to send him there.

Neil Cavuto says things like, "It is no more difficult to describe an event that is to occur in the future than to describe an event occurring at the present moment."

Neil Cavuto has been known to wake up in the night cursing loudly and tossing his pillow across the room -- he was dreaming so vividly.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sarah Palin is a Human Fledgling Barely Out of the Egg

Women Against Sarah Palin

"I couldn't support [a] candidate less: I enjoy my reproductive rights and reading uncensored library books. I take responsibility for climate change and I want to help the polar bear. Creationism in classrooms? Abstinence only sex-ed? What year is this??"
(Amy F., 26, Boston)

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Back to the Den of Spies!

"Stop looking at me like I'm Salvador Allende," I said.

I sat in the large wicker box next to the nightstand because I was large. A breeze carried the autumnal, rancorous whiff of a squirrel. I licked my right haunch.

"Quit looking at me," I said. "They have a red sticker on my file at the Den of Spies."

The Grady Girls were standing atop the sheet of bubble wrap in front of the bookcase.

"We'll be seeing you soon," they said in unison.

"The sticker is red and it says 'CAUTION.' I do what I want."

"Tony will bundle you in an I-GO car and take you to Uptown Animal Hospital. You'll come play with us. Forever and ever."

They were holding hands. Their hearts went tick-tock against their tinpot foreheads. They wouldn't move.

"Sarah Palin is a human fledgling," I said, "barely out of the egg. She rummages in dust-laden rubbish. Her brain is a tiny globe dressed up in fine rags, shy wings and silks, and it grows fat."

"Come play with us, Shimmy. Forever, and ever, and ever."

"Dr. Kissinger is afraid of my file. It says 'CAUTION.' Go away."

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Goblin Race Band-Aid Boy

"I make no exception if your father or a stranger rapes you," Sarah Palin said to Annie Banbez. Jane Aire snatched Sarah Palin off screaming grocers' shelves onto breakfast tables and into collectors' cases everywhere. "Among those sporting 'Buchanan for President' buttons were Wasilla Mayor Sarah Palin and state Sen. Jerry Ward, R-Anchorage," said Xenia Holliday during the coldest time of the year, the best moisturizing season. "Don't be afraid of information," Sarah Palin said to Liz Swope and Vivienne Dick. "Healthy debate is so important, and it's so valuable in our schools. I am a proponent of teaching evolution side-by-side with the Babylonian account of creation, 'Marduk Creates the World from the Spoils of Battle.'"

Sarah Palin recognized Bette Bright, who was sitting by herself on an interactive sonic installation piece. "A changing environment will affect Alaska more than any other state, because of our location," Sarah Palin said to Bette Bright, adding, "I'm not someone, though, who would attribute climate change to being man-made." Bette Bright moved to the sandy area adjacent to the tents so that children could use the playground equipment. Bette Bright said, "Actually, Sarah Palin, the theoretical realization that human activities could have a global discernible effect on the atmosphere came during the 19th century, and the first conclusive measurements of human activities on atmospheric change were made during the last half of the 20th century."