Thursday, July 31, 2008

Roundtable Discussion with John McCain and Robert Novak (Part 3 of 3)

JOHN McCAIN: In addition to strengthening the Veterans Administration, we should give veterans the option to use a simple plastic card.

SHIMMY: On March 29, 2007, you voted against an emergency spending bill that would have provided more than $1 billion in additional funds to the Department of Veterans Affairs. On April 26, 2007, you voted against Sen. Daniel Akaka's amendment that would have provided an additional $430 million to the Department of Veterans Affairs for medical services for outpatient care and treatment for veterans.

JOHN McCAIN: In a scene Lance Armstrong would recognize, a throng of adoring fans awaits Senator Obama in Paris -- and that's just the American press.

SHIMMY: On March 14, 2006, you voted against increasing veterans' medical services funding by $1.5 billion to be paid for by closing corporate tax loopholes. On March 10, 2004, you voted against creating a reserve fund to allow for an increase in veterans' medical care by $1.8 billion by eliminating tax loopholes.

ROBERT NOVAK: There was a huge reception for Barack Obama in the Middle East this past weekend. People were screaming, chasing him, hanging on his every word. And that was just the U.S. press corps.

SHIMMY: Did the bodies of these saints join with their spirits in a resurrection to meet with the Washington press corps and Barack Obama? Were all news reporters alive on earth simultaneously transported to meet Barack Obama, along with those reporters who preceded them in death, having been transformed into immortal bodies like Jesus's body (often referred to as the "resurrection body")?

ROBERT NOVAK: Raoul Vaneigem says hierarchical organization is like a system of grain hoppers lined with sharp blades.

JOHN McCAIN: While it flays us alive, Power cleverly persuades us that we are flaying each other.

SHIMMY: Robert Novak, you were not in Europe covering Barck Obama because you've been "left behind." Because you tried to kill that guy who was crossing the street on the "Walk" signal.

ROBERT NOVAK: This car is speeding away. What’s going through my mind is, you just can’t hit a pedestrian and drive away.

JOHN McCAIN: The Iraqi Army is stronger and fighting harder. Ngo Dinh Diem and the rest of the Iraqi Government have met most of the benchmarks for political progress we demanded of them, and Saigon's largest Sunni party recently rejoined the government. In Iraq, we are no longer on the doorstep of defeat, but on the road to victory.

SHIMMY: Have you washed all the blood off your fender, Robert Novak?

ROBERT NOVAK: He's not dead. That's the main thing.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Roundtable Discussion with John McCain and Robert Novak (Part 2 of 3)

JOHN McCAIN: It's pretty obvious that the media has a bizarre fascination with Barack Obama. Some may even say it's a love affair. Anybody who has been a ninth grade boy understands this species of love: "I think about you when I go to bed, too embarrassed to stand up." It's sealed-with-a-kiss love.

SHIMMY: So what you are saying is, you can come on the Straight-Talk Express airplane. You can come on the airplane and everything is great. But if you come on the bus with a hostile line of questioning, or if you have a long and well documented critique, then no one's going to talk to you.

JOHN McCAIN: When our government forgets our debts to you, it is a stain upon America's honor. The disgrace of Walter Reed Army Hospital will not be forgotten.

SHIMMY: Tammy Duckworth wouldn't eat in the Walter Reed Army Hospital cafeteria because of the mice. All you had to do was ask me. I scared a mouse to death on April 18, 2007.

JOHN McCAIN: Whatever our commitments to veterans cost, we will keep them, as veterans themselves have kept every commitment to us.

SHIMMY: I killed three mice on October 8, 2000 (one of them scared to death).

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Roundtable Discussion with John McCain and Robert Novak (Part 1 of 3)

SHIMMY: Thanks for joining me on the living room rug atop the sheet of bubble wrap. I slept for 14 hours yesterday afternoon.

JOHN McCAIN: Nice to be here, Shimmy.

SHIMMY: Why were so few reporters assigned to the "Straight-Talk Express" this week while Barack Obama was in Europe?

JOHN MCCAIN: A new hope is rising in Iraq today. I prefer to live in a bigger place. I prefer to live in a growing America.

SHIMMY: Does this mean, Robert Novak, that some reporters were left behind to cover John McCain because the rest of the Washington press corps ascended to heaven in the Barack Obama Rapture? Is it true that Jesus Christ descended from Heaven, accompanied by the Washington press corps and the spirits of all the saints of God (both from the pre-incarnation period and after) who died prior to the Barack Obama Rapture?

ROBERT NOVAK: I've wanted to be a racecar driver all my life, and anyone who has watched me drive can tell you that.

JOHN McCAIN: I know the pain war causes. Today these goals are within reach. "Never despair," Winston Churchill once said. And we did not despair. We were tested, and we rose to the challenge.

SHIMMY: Robert Novak, why did you try to kill that pedestrian who was crossing the street on a "Walk" signal?

ROBERT NOVAK: Since I don't run the country, all I can do is yell at them. The other option is to run them over, but as a compassionate conservative, I would never do that.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

List XXIII: Eat Your Barbecue and Shut Your Mouth

"Mr. Clinton better watch out if he comes down here. He'd better have a bodyguard" (Jesse Helms threatening the President's life, 1994).

"To rob the Negro of his reputation of thinking through a problem in his own fashion is about the same as trying to pretend that he doesn't have a natural instinct for rhythm and for singing and dancing" (Jesse Helms, 1956).

"The New York Times and Washington Post are both infested with homosexuals themselves. Just about every person down there is a homosexual or lesbian" (Jesse Helms, 1995).

"Crime rates and irresponsibility among Negroes are a fact of life which must be faced" (Jesse Helms, 1981).

"I shall never forget the stream of school kids marching uptown to place flowers on the Courthouse Square monument on Confederate Memorial Day" (Jesse Helms, 1956).

"There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy" (Jesse Helms, 1988).

"I'm going to make her [Carol Moseley-Braun] cry. I'm going to sing Dixie until she cries" (Jesse Helms, 1993).

"All Latins are volatile people. Hence, I was not surprised at the volatile reaction" (Jesse Helms, 1986).

"Homosexuals are weak, morally sick wretches" (Jesse Helms, 1995).

"I'm so old-fashioned I believe in horse whipping" (Jesse Helms, 1991).

"Your tax dollars are being used to pay for grade-school classes that teach our children that cannibalism, wife-swapping, and murder of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior" (Jesse Helms, 1996).

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Episode Twenty-Five: "Why Does Cindy McCain Hate Motherhood So Much?"

MARY: What's her problem, Rhoda?

RHODA: Hensley & Company -- the corporation that Cindy McCain chairs -- is fighting Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). You know, Mary, sometimes I feel like my country is controlled by a street gang.

MARY: Why does John McCain's son, Andrew, write so many letters to the Treasury Department on behalf of Hensley and Company's opposition to MADD?

RHODA: Because he hates his stepmother?

MARY: I sat on the floor in front of the stove for three hours last night.

RHODA: Don't tell the Southern Baptist Convention about Andrew McCain's letters.

MARY: "Dear Treasury Department: Candy Lightner founded Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) in 1980 after her daughter, Cari, was killed by a repeat drunk driving offender. Tragic, senseless deaths such as Cari's sparked a movement, MADD, that has helped save hundreds of thousands of lives. Love, Andrew McCain."

RHODA: "P.S. We strongly oppose any proposal that would back a display of alcohol content in terms of fluid ounces or pure alcohol per 'standard serving.' This would confuse customers."

MARY: Fat and calorie labels on foods make me disoriented, Rhoda.

RHODA: What's more cool, Mary? The War on Terror? Or running a beer company out of the White House?

MARY: Maybe for Independence Day we should send our troops in Afghanistan a case of Tilt, the caffeinated alcoholic drink made by Anheuser-Busch and distributed by Cindy McCain's company. I'm waiting for a squirrel to slink through the hole in the screen door.

RHODA: "Dear Troops in the Hindu Kush: Please drink Tilt, which can leave you wide awake without knowing you are intoxicated. If you like Tilt, you'll love our other flavored malt beverages that contain sweet fruit flavors that block the taste of alcohol. Love, Andrew McCain."

Wednesday, July 02, 2008


Despite protests
"blogging dens
of resistance"
a stuffed
monkey toy
called "The Sock
will be sold

the top
my head

"Even our
dogs and cats
have learned
that elections

'Cloud Nine

Make it

about how

they are

come running
to me when
are overrun

by a
army of

Turn on
the bathtub
quit looking
at me

"Well, it's
a harmless

are the
or something"