Thursday, September 24, 2009

Hooray For Our Chains (19)

Monday, September 21, 2009

Your Red Hair and Pale Skin is Your Passport

"Do not grasp another's bow, do not ride another's horse, do not meddle in another's affairs. Your red hair and pale skin is your passport." Though this is a commonplace saying among Republican consultants who fall asleep in their bathtubs, it can be an obstacle for entering the Path. Just examine yourself constantly, Josh Treviño: from morning till night, what do you do to help others and help yourself?

If you notice Heidi Noonan, television producer for Pravda, urging the crowd at a tea-party protest to cheer louder, you must admonish yourself. Don't be careless about this!

In the old days Glenn Beck lived up in a tall pine tree on Heidi Noonan's mountain: people of the time called him "The Axis Power Monk." When the kleptomaniac Sarah Palin was Governor of Alaska, she made a special trip to the mountain to give him back the Iron Cross and spiked helmet she had stolen from him.

"My impulse to steal is morbid," she told Glenn Beck. "It is an illness that is considered 'senseless' stealing because the kleptomaniac does not take objects for immediate use or for their monetary value -- and the stolen items are often returned surreptitiously, given to others, or hidden away."

Glenn Beck said, "My danger may be very great, Governor, but the country's is even greater because you are a kleptomaniac. When you were a small girl, you dreamed of being a cat burglar, hanging from wires to steal the Diamond Dagger."

"I am Commander of Wasilla," Sarah Palin replied. "What danger is there for the United States?"

"Fuel and fire are joined, consciousness and identity do not stay: how can the United States not be in danger?" Glenn Beck asked.

When you have nothing to do, Josh Treviño, you should sit quietly and keep the mind from slackening and the body from wavering. If you practice to perfection for a long long time, naturally body and mind will come to rest at ease, and you will have some direction in the Path.

"I'm tired of being a sheep," Glenn Beck said. "I'm tired of being a victim. I'm tired of being pushed around. I'm tired of being moved by curiosity and fondness for shiny things. You know what? The gloves come off."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Vatican vs. Gertrude Stein (Part XXIII)

THE VATICAN: Christ calls, justifies, sanctifies, and sends his disciples to proclaim the Kingdom of God, so that all nations may become the People of God. It is only in this mission that the true journey of humanity is understood and attested. Evangelizing is in fact the grace and vocation proper to the Church, her deepest identity. She exists in order to evangelize. Missionary zeal has always been a sign of the vitality of our Churches. The whole Church must be committed to the missio ad gentes, until the salvific sovereignty of Christ is fully accomplished.

There is no pope.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Glenn Beck vs. Cass Sunstein: The Real Issue is All Those Dogs (Pit Bulls) Glenn Beck Tortured and Killed

Sean Hannity and Congressman Joe Wilson, Son of the Confederacy, were putting powder on Bill O'Reilly's cheeks when Glenn Beck breezed in. They immediately congratulated Glenn Beck for standing up for his convictions and revealing that Cass Sunstein is "a man who doesn't believe we should be eating meat, a man who believes that animals should be provided attorneys in the courts of law, a man who believes that everyone must be an organ donor, and a man who believes that you should not be able to remove rats from your home if it causes them any pain."

Glenn Beck thanked Sean Hannity and Joe Wilson, Son of the Confederacy, for their kind words. When a Pravda TV executive approached Congressman Joe Wilson, he said, "That's offensive to me that anyone would take my Confederate heritage -- based on the owning and trading of human beings as property -- and make it into a Holocaust-era type description. I find that very offensive."

Congressman Joe Wilson barely acknowledged Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck as they raved about his impromptu speech and studied his words under forced convection in a wind tunnel, with a microwave transmitter that heated intact leaves of various sizes and shapes in vivo.

Glenn Beck smiled as he bid Congressman Joe Wilson goodbye. He led Sean Hannity to a nearby table. When Sean Hannity was seated, Glenn Beck announced that his viewers weren't interested in hearing about his pet charities. According to Glenn Beck, his viewers instead wanted to know why Sean Hannity advocates the use of Sharia law in the United States.

Sean Hannity countered that the Pravda TV network would be willing to overlook Glenn Beck's accusation that Cass Sustein is a crazed animal-rights activist if Glenn Beck would explain why he tortured and killed all those Pit Bulls.

"You were caught with a 'break' or 'parting' stick for prying open Pit Bulls' mouths during fights and an electric treadmill modified for Pit Bulls," Sean Hannity said. "Everyone thinks it's kind of strange that you never talk anymore on your TV show about those Pit Bulls you hanged, electrocuted, and drowned."

"The hell I will," Glenn Beck said.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Everyone Must Magically Identify with Representative Joe Wilson or Disappear

The House of Representatives is a small breeding program that strives in vain to produce exceptional temperament. South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson revealed a netherworld in the mulberry just outside the holly farm. Light continued to reverberate. He was detected making waves. He peaked shortly after midnight, followed by a decay that lasted several months. He later apologized. "This ladybird of clamor disagrees with the President's commissariats," he said. "But I extend sincere apologies to the President for my lagoon, my klan." South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson awakened from a deep sleep just as the sun was coming up. He licked your forehead today and his tongue felt hot. Is he sick? South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson's body temperature is 3-4 degrees higher than ours and his tongue is warmer than his skin. That's probably why his tongue felt hot. He unloaded the pallets, caressed the cargo billow, and ate all your orchid seedlings.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Hooray For Our Chains (18)

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Other School Districts Will Not Show an Oil Priestess This Contingency

As a hornet is to a tarantula, you won't be disappointed by your day today, Shimmy. Over the next few days, you are going to put your analytical way of thinking aside and let your feelings guide you. Mitch Head, spokesman for The United Egg Producers, will tell you that using a grinder "is the most instantaneous way to euthanize chicks." You will be extremely attentive toward the people you love. Emotions will be close to the surface today for Senator Steve Russell, with a full moon in Pisces. It will be difficult for Senator Russell to control his reactions, and he'll probably say, "As far as I am concerned, this is not civics education -- it gives the appearance of creating a cult of personality. This is something you'd expect to see in North Korea or in Saddam Hussein's Iraq."

Life will seem overwhelming to Mitch West, and he'll probably say that his number-one concern isn't politics as much as the disruption to the day's learning. You may face some very real disappointments, Shimmy, but try not to let this get you down. Remind yourself that Mitch West said, "If the president wants kids to focus on learning, he should deliver the speech in prime time."

Keep the big picture in mind as best you can: other school districts will not show an oil priestess this contingency. Some will give teapots to the orator to show the speech. Remind yourself that Grayslake (Illinois) Elementary School District 46 Superintendent Ellen Correll will review President Obama's message when it goes out live to determine if it is appropriate for students in grades three through eight. If she decides Obama's remarks emphasize the importance of education or having a good school year, then you'll have the pleasure of looking forward to these events all over again.

"There is, unfortunately, no way to breed eggs that only produce female hens," Mitch Head will explain. "If someone has a need for 200 million male chicks, we're happy to provide them to anyone who wants them. But we can find no market, no need, so we sort through a conveyor belt of chirping chicks, flipping some of them into a chute like a poker dealer flips cards." If one of them needs your help, they can count on you to come to the rescue, Shimmy. And just this once, you will spare them the lecture about what they have done wrong!