Episode Twenty-Nine: "Alan Keyes Jumps to the Stage and Shouts 'Sic Semper Tyrannis'"

MARY: Alan Keyes makes me laugh so hard my ribs crack, Rhoda. Do you think he has a favorite New York Post cartoon?

RHODA: The one where two New York cops shoot the writer of the stimulus bill. One of the cops says, "I saw President McKinley sit up in his coffin pointing at man in monk's attire whom I recognized as the writer of the stimulus bill. President McKinley said: 'The writer of the stimulus bill is my murderer. Avenge my death.'"

MARY: I saw the cat in the building across the street sit up on his window sill and lick his left haunch brittle clean.

RHODA: Alan Keyes said, "Barack Obama is a radical communist. He is going to destroy this country and we are either going to stop him or the United States of America is going to cease to exist."

MARY: Those gulags in North Dakota frighten me, Rhoda.

RHODA: Don't even get me started on Obama's Five-Year-Plan and all those tractors.

MARY: That reminds me of Alan Keyes's joke about the police officer who shoots the writer of the stimulus bill.

RHODA: It's a good one. Alan Keyes turns to the officer, smoke still seeping from his gun, and says, "You are a stalwart of the stalwarts. You shot the writer of the stimulus bill because you did your duty. You shot the writer of the stimulus bill because he was the enemy of the people. The good working people. I am not sorry for your crime."

MARY: Do you think Alan Keyes stole my red Squeaky Fromme cape?

TED BAXTER: Botticelli bouncy boundary bounty bourgeoisie the Bowery bowie bowling-alley boysenberry Bradbury Bradley brainy brandy brassy brawny breezy breviary brevity brewery bribery Brie briny Brittany broccoli broody brotherly Brown-Betty brownie brutality bubbly buddy budgetary budgie buggy buffoonery buggery Bugs-Bunny bumblebee bunch-of-malarkey buoyancy bureaucracy burglary Burgundy.

RHODA: Alan Keyes is an abomination. He's a man with such a seared conscience, I can't even understand why anyone in their right mind would consider him worthy of political support.

MARY: Alan Keyes better give me back my cape.