Roundtable Discussion with John McCain and Robert Novak (Part 1 of 3)

SHIMMY: Thanks for joining me on the living room rug atop the sheet of bubble wrap. I slept for 14 hours yesterday afternoon.

JOHN McCAIN: Nice to be here, Shimmy.

SHIMMY: Why were so few reporters assigned to the "Straight-Talk Express" this week while Barack Obama was in Europe?

JOHN MCCAIN: A new hope is rising in Iraq today. I prefer to live in a bigger place. I prefer to live in a growing America.

SHIMMY: Does this mean, Robert Novak, that some reporters were left behind to cover John McCain because the rest of the Washington press corps ascended to heaven in the Barack Obama Rapture? Is it true that Jesus Christ descended from Heaven, accompanied by the Washington press corps and the spirits of all the saints of God (both from the pre-incarnation period and after) who died prior to the Barack Obama Rapture?

ROBERT NOVAK: I've wanted to be a racecar driver all my life, and anyone who has watched me drive can tell you that.

JOHN McCAIN: I know the pain war causes. Today these goals are within reach. "Never despair," Winston Churchill once said. And we did not despair. We were tested, and we rose to the challenge.

SHIMMY: Robert Novak, why did you try to kill that pedestrian who was crossing the street on a "Walk" signal?

ROBERT NOVAK: Since I don't run the country, all I can do is yell at them. The other option is to run them over, but as a compassionate conservative, I would never do that.