Episode Twenty-Five: "Why Does Cindy McCain Hate Motherhood So Much?"

MARY: What's her problem, Rhoda?

RHODA: Hensley & Company -- the corporation that Cindy McCain chairs -- is fighting Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). You know, Mary, sometimes I feel like my country is controlled by a street gang.

MARY: Why does John McCain's son, Andrew, write so many letters to the Treasury Department on behalf of Hensley and Company's opposition to MADD?

RHODA: Because he hates his stepmother?

MARY: I sat on the floor in front of the stove for three hours last night.

RHODA: Don't tell the Southern Baptist Convention about Andrew McCain's letters.

MARY: "Dear Treasury Department: Candy Lightner founded Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) in 1980 after her daughter, Cari, was killed by a repeat drunk driving offender. Tragic, senseless deaths such as Cari's sparked a movement, MADD, that has helped save hundreds of thousands of lives. Love, Andrew McCain."

RHODA: "P.S. We strongly oppose any proposal that would back a display of alcohol content in terms of fluid ounces or pure alcohol per 'standard serving.' This would confuse customers."

MARY: Fat and calorie labels on foods make me disoriented, Rhoda.

RHODA: What's more cool, Mary? The War on Terror? Or running a beer company out of the White House?

MARY: Maybe for Independence Day we should send our troops in Afghanistan a case of Tilt, the caffeinated alcoholic drink made by Anheuser-Busch and distributed by Cindy McCain's company. I'm waiting for a squirrel to slink through the hole in the screen door.

RHODA: "Dear Troops in the Hindu Kush: Please drink Tilt, which can leave you wide awake without knowing you are intoxicated. If you like Tilt, you'll love our other flavored malt beverages that contain sweet fruit flavors that block the taste of alcohol. Love, Andrew McCain."