Other School Districts Will Not Show an Oil Priestess This Contingency

As a hornet is to a tarantula, you won't be disappointed by your day today, Shimmy. Over the next few days, you are going to put your analytical way of thinking aside and let your feelings guide you. Mitch Head, spokesman for The United Egg Producers, will tell you that using a grinder "is the most instantaneous way to euthanize chicks." You will be extremely attentive toward the people you love. Emotions will be close to the surface today for Senator Steve Russell, with a full moon in Pisces. It will be difficult for Senator Russell to control his reactions, and he'll probably say, "As far as I am concerned, this is not civics education -- it gives the appearance of creating a cult of personality. This is something you'd expect to see in North Korea or in Saddam Hussein's Iraq."

Life will seem overwhelming to Mitch West, and he'll probably say that his number-one concern isn't politics as much as the disruption to the day's learning. You may face some very real disappointments, Shimmy, but try not to let this get you down. Remind yourself that Mitch West said, "If the president wants kids to focus on learning, he should deliver the speech in prime time."

Keep the big picture in mind as best you can: other school districts will not show an oil priestess this contingency. Some will give teapots to the orator to show the speech. Remind yourself that Grayslake (Illinois) Elementary School District 46 Superintendent Ellen Correll will review President Obama's message when it goes out live to determine if it is appropriate for students in grades three through eight. If she decides Obama's remarks emphasize the importance of education or having a good school year, then you'll have the pleasure of looking forward to these events all over again.

"There is, unfortunately, no way to breed eggs that only produce female hens," Mitch Head will explain. "If someone has a need for 200 million male chicks, we're happy to provide them to anyone who wants them. But we can find no market, no need, so we sort through a conveyor belt of chirping chicks, flipping some of them into a chute like a poker dealer flips cards." If one of them needs your help, they can count on you to come to the rescue, Shimmy. And just this once, you will spare them the lecture about what they have done wrong!