Episode Thirty-One: "All Those People Died in Iran Because President Obama Didn't Talk Tougher"

RHODA: Lindsey Graham says a monumental event is going on in Iran.

MARY: The President of the United States is supposed to lead the free world and swat the Mullahs' laser-pointer dot.

RHODA: What if the image of blissful social unification through consumption merely postpones President Obama's awareness of the actual divisions in Iran?

MARY: Until his next disillusionment with some particular commodity?

RHODA: The signs are in English, according to Lindsey Graham.

MARY: Lindsay Graham says President Obama is too timid and passive to condemn the fundamental nature of this evil Mullah dictatorship. How hard can it be to swat a laser-pointer dot, Rhoda?

RHODA: Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War by making it clear to the oppressed peoples behind the Iron Curtain -- and their Communistic overlords -- that we are on the side of happy harmony, surrounded by desolation and horror, at the calm center of misery.

MARY: He did it. Just like that.

RHODA: He went to the Berlin Wall and said, "Mr. Gorbachev, the mechanical accumulation of needs imposed by modern consumerism unleashes an unlimited artificiality which overpowers any living desire."

MARY: "Mr. Gorbachev, the cumulative power of this autonomous artificiality ends up falsifying all social life."

RHODA: Dana Rohrabacher says that if President Obama had talked tougher a few days ago, maybe we wouldn't see bloodshed on the streets of Tehran.

MARY: Sure, and if the President talked tough to Glenn Beck, then all those Pit Bulls would still be alive.

RHODA: If the President talked tougher, then the rank and febrile dogs who live upstairs wouldn't bark every time the fraudulence of the satisfactions offered by the system is exposed by the continual replacement of products and the general conditions of production.

Hooray For Our Chains (15)

Bristol Palin Gets Emotional Every Time Glenn Beck Says, "President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?"

At the hostel, Bristol Palin discussed the missing eggplant with her mother.

Sarah Palin even called Bill O'Reilly, the queen of southern Italian vegetables, to find out if he could remember what had happened to the rest of the eggplants.

Bill O'Reilly said, "Dr. George Tiller will kill your baby for $5,000, any reason. Any reason."

Bristol Palin was not in favor of her mother's idea to have more chili sauce.

She ignored Bill O'Reilly when he said, "If we allow Dr. George Tiller and his acolytes to continue, we can no longer pass judgment on any behavior by anybody."

Sarah Palin reminded her daughter that David Letterman would not stop the time clock.

She admitted that David Letterman's prejudice toward freshwater branchiopod crustaceans caught her by surprise and that she really did not understand how they used their biramous antennae as locomotor organs.

She wanted more chili sauce so that she could feel like a good mother.

Bill O'Reilly and Pat Buchanan had fun watching that goofy jellyfish movie on Peter Brimelow's phone.

Pat Buchanan was shocked: his father, Marcus Epstein, approached Bristol Palin and said that he was in town in response to an intuitive reprimand from her mother.

Bristol Palin was surprised that her mother contacted Glenn Beck, too.

She got emotional when Glenn Beck said, "President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire? For the love of Pete, what are you doing?"

But, remember, Glenn Beck promised he'd never modify an electrical treadmill just to torture those dogs (Pit Bulls) again. He invited Bristol Palin and her friends to a steak dinner in Chicago to reduce stiffness and muscle ache. Then he left for Montreal.

The nurse said that Scientologist Greta Van Susteren was agitated, and everyone hoped that President Obama could visit and calm her down. David Letterman offered to accompany Bristol Palin, and the two of them headed for the nurse's home.

Greta Van Susteren returned from grocery shopping with bags full of decomposed elements, artistic debris, and esthetico-technical hybrids.

David Letterman apologized for the excesses of a world which has become foreign to us as if they were excesses foreign to our world.

Hooray For Our Chains (14)

My Supreme Court Nominee: Blixa Bargeld

I am proud to announce my nominee for the next Justice of the United States Supreme Court: Blixa Bargeld.

This decision affects us all -- and so it must involve us all. I recorded a special message to personally introduce Blixa Bargeld and explain why I'm so confident he will make an excellent Justice. But I was speaking into the open mouth of the Wastebasket Enemy Combatant.

Blixa Bargeld has lived the America Dream. This is a cellar. Here I live. This is dark here.

I look after printing and spelling mistakes, which, never finished, belong to Blixa Bargeld.

In the wallpaper, four doors. The tenants stand around the ground floor. Thus they tile the grounds.

Here the architect lives. Dogs and cats eat pepper, wishing for a chair in the sky.

Blixa Bargeld has gone on to earn bipartisan acclaim as one of America's finest junkpile noise generators. Blixa would show fidelity to our Constitution and paint all flat roofs in Washington an energy-reflecting white.

Making roofs a paler color could have the equivalent effect of taking every car in the world off the road for 11 years. For people who find white hard on the eye, Blixa Bargeld has developed "cool colors" which look to the human eye like normal ones, but reflect heat like pale colors even if they are darker shades.

A nomination for a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land is one of the most important decisions I can make. And the discussions that follow will be among the most important we have as a nation. You can begin the conversation today by letting me out the back door more than one time every morning.