I'm Supposed to Feel Sorry for Glenn Beck, Even Though He Tortured and Killed All Those Dogs (Pit Bulls)

I don't know why I'm supposed to feel sorry for Glenn Beck.

He spent 19 months in prison for torturing and killing all those dogs (Pit Bulls). While he was in prison, Pravda signed him to a contract for a television show. Some prisoners don't even have television viewing privileges, but Glenn Beck was given his own television show while he was incarcerated.

Sure, I agree, Glenn Beck looks telegenic, once he wipes from his prison jumpsuit the blood from the "break" or "parting" stick he used to pry open Pit Bulls' mouths during fights.

I know, Glenn Beck will say, "How could carbon dioxide be a poison when it's naturally occurring and the trees use it to grow? Stop. Just stop, will you? Stop with the lies."

Or Glenn Beck will tell you: "I am not saying that Barack Obama is a fascist, but I am saying that the auto bailout looks a lot like the actions of German companies in the early days of Adolf Hitler."

And, of course, Glenn Beck will claim that he tortured and killed all those dogs (Pit Bulls) because he discovered that one of them, a super-intelligent American Pit Bull named Caesar, had arrived in a spaceship from the future, when Pit Bulls would rule the earth and enslave all humans.

So I'm supposed to feel sorry for Glenn Beck because he was a hero who saved us from a future in which Pit Bulls ruled the earth -- and he was "rewarded" for this heroism with a 19-month prison sentence that he used for reading, writing, working as a janitor at 12 cents an hour, and filming his Pravda television show?

Some people are saying that Glenn Beck should not have to bend over backwards and do somersaults to prove anything to the war criminal Roger Ailes or to the Humane Society. Some people say he shouldn't have to donate any of his future earnings to any causes to repent because he's actually a hero for modifying an electrical treadmill just to torture those dogs (Pit Bulls).

But some people also say that Abu Zubaydah hummed away, happily, at 448 Mhz after he was waterboarded 83 times. And some people say that Abu Zubaydah went to the Hampshire Hills Sports and Fitness Club on the Saturday after he was waterboarded 83 times. Here's what we know for sure: after extensive discussion and collaboration among ourselves, Abu Zubaydah was waterboarded 83 times. Water is more precious than gold. Do the math.

Hooray For Our Chains (13)

Why David Feherty Blames Nancy Pelosi for All the Misery in His Life

David Feherty picked up Nancy Pelosi for a trip to the zoo. Nancy Pelosi didn't want to leave the unique cartoon book with David Feherty, especially since the book produces over five tons of carbon dioxide a year from gas and electricity. David Feherty captured the essence of golf, and the feelings of reverence it generates, when he encouraged our troops to shoot Nancy Pelosi twice and strangle Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden. "Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden would be strangled to death," he added. David Feherty was angry that Nancy Pelosi kept feeding Glenn Beck lies about him. David Feherty tried to convince Nancy Pelosi that he loved Glenn Beck very much, even though Glenn Beck tortured and killed all those dogs (pit bulls) with a "break" or "parting" stick he used to pry open the pit bulls' mouths during fights.

This didn't work, so David Feherty left. "Not like this," David Feherty said, blaming Nancy Pelosi for all the misery in his life. David Feherty told Greta van Susteren's parents that he overheard Dick Cheney at the cemetery talking about having to sell one baby to take care of another. Greta van Susteren confessed that mad language is consciousness in myth. She agreed the ex-Vice President of the War on Terror didn't have a whole bunch of options.

"I should have visited the War on Terror," she said, "when I had the chance. The War on Terror reduced our eyes to petty binoculaurs, our lips to chastity belts. You must hate me." David Feherty shook his head. "We rejected the War on Terror's attempt to forge a relationship," he said. David Feherty rattled off all the things that Nancy Pelosi had done to hurt them, and he wondered what other secrets Harry Reid might be keeping. Greta van Susteren accused David Feherty of not trusting her. David Feherty got a call and had to leave. Greta van Susteren looked at the family photos of the War on Terror on a cabinet, grabbed her purse, and headed out. David Feherty was angry with the ex-Vice President of the War on Terror's decision to grow up to be an expert political operator with lots of animal cunning but little actual intelligence and no moral bearing whatsoever. Greta van Susteren walked around the bus station not sure of what to do.

Why Does David Feherty Want U.S. Soldiers to Kill Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?

David Feherty
wants U.S. soldiers
to kill
Harry Reid
and Nancy Pelosi

But our troops
don't want to

Happy
Mother's Day
(With Some
Exceptions)

You thought
the New York
Review of Books
spread on the floor
could stop me

President Obama:
"aggressive, disruptive,
and apocalyptic"

You overbreed
and we
are not cute

You flew in
an airplane
and I squatted
atop the
New York
Review of Books

They taste
better in
the ionosphere

Mustard is
a vegetable

I dropped
an Abu Ghraib
pyramid
on the failure
of your economy
and your
economists

The Vatican vs. Gertrude Stein (Part XXI)

THE VATICAN: With unparalleled arrogance, the United States is choosing to renounce its foundation on the faithful. The path of violation of the most fundamental human rights and of the integrity of marriage and the family which our nation is traveling is not accidental. As Catholics, we cannot fail to notice with the greatest sadness the number of our fellow Catholics who cooperate fully to the advancement of a national agenda which is anti-life and anti-family. At the root of the confusion and error about marriage is the contraceptive mentality, which would have us believe that the inherently procreative nature of the conjugal union can in practice be mechanically or chemically eliminated while the marital act remains unitive. It simply cannot be sold.

GERTRUDE STEIN: There is no pope.

Hooray For Our Chains (12)

Remember Kent State: 1970-2009

At least 54 shots were fired into an unarmed crowd by Troop G of the National Guard at Taylor Hall for approximately 13 seconds (U.S. Justice Department, July 1970 report on the Kent State University shootings).

Some National Guardsmen had to be physically restrained from continuing to fire their weapons (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).

Sergeant Robert James of Company A assumed he'd been given an order to shoot, so he fired once in the air. When he saw Guardsmen actually firing into the unarmed crowd, he ejected his remaining seven shells so he would not fire any more (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).

Sergeant Richard Love of Company C fired once in the air, then saw others firing into the crowds; he said he "could not believe" that the others were shooting into the crowd, so he lowered his weapon (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).

The July 1970 Justice Department report concludes: "the claim by the National Guard that their lives were endangered by the students was fabricated subsequent to the event."

A National Guardsman confessed that his life "was not in danger" and that "he fired indiscriminately into the crowd" (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).

This Guardsman "further stated that the Guardsmen had gotten together after the shooting and decided to fabricate the story that they were in danger of serious bodily harm or death from the students" (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).

This Guardsman said: "The guys have been saying that we got to get together and stick to the same story. That it was our lives or them, a matter of survival" (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).

"In all, only two [students] were shot from the front. Seven students were shot from the side and four were shot from the rear" (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).

"When the firing began, many students began running; others hit the ground" (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).

"The indiscriminate firing of rifles into a crowd of students and the deaths that followed were unnecessary, unwarranted, and inexcusable" (U.S. Justice Department, 1970).