Saturday, May 23, 2009

I'm Supposed to Feel Sorry for Glenn Beck, Even Though He Tortured and Killed All Those Dogs (Pit Bulls)

I don't know why I'm supposed to feel sorry for Glenn Beck.

He spent 19 months in prison for torturing and killing all those dogs (Pit Bulls). While he was in prison, Pravda signed him to a contract for a television show. Some prisoners don't even have television viewing privileges, but Glenn Beck was given his own television show while he was incarcerated.

Sure, I agree, Glenn Beck looks telegenic, once he wipes from his prison jumpsuit the blood from the "break" or "parting" stick he used to pry open Pit Bulls' mouths during fights.

I know, Glenn Beck will say, "How could carbon dioxide be a poison when it's naturally occurring and the trees use it to grow? Stop. Just stop, will you? Stop with the lies."

Or Glenn Beck will tell you: "I am not saying that Barack Obama is a fascist, but I am saying that the auto bailout looks a lot like the actions of German companies in the early days of Adolf Hitler."

And, of course, Glenn Beck will claim that he tortured and killed all those dogs (Pit Bulls) because he discovered that one of them, a super-intelligent American Pit Bull named Caesar, had arrived in a spaceship from the future, when Pit Bulls would rule the earth and enslave all humans.

So I'm supposed to feel sorry for Glenn Beck because he was a hero who saved us from a future in which Pit Bulls ruled the earth -- and he was "rewarded" for this heroism with a 19-month prison sentence that he used for reading, writing, working as a janitor at 12 cents an hour, and filming his Pravda television show?

Some people are saying that Glenn Beck should not have to bend over backwards and do somersaults to prove anything to the war criminal Roger Ailes or to the Humane Society. Some people say he shouldn't have to donate any of his future earnings to any causes to repent because he's actually a hero for modifying an electrical treadmill just to torture those dogs (Pit Bulls).

But some people also say that Abu Zubaydah hummed away, happily, at 448 Mhz after he was waterboarded 83 times. And some people say that Abu Zubaydah went to the Hampshire Hills Sports and Fitness Club on the Saturday after he was waterboarded 83 times. Here's what we know for sure: after extensive discussion and collaboration among ourselves, Abu Zubaydah was waterboarded 83 times. Water is more precious than gold. Do the math.


Blogger Susan M. Schultz said...

Shimmy--Tinfish Press is making a special offer to Dick Cheney, who wants a book contract. Please see Tortilla's human's facebook site for details! And hang in there, Shimmy. It's a cold cold world.

9:32 PM  

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