My Index

Estimated number of living-room wastebaskets the United States has detained as enemy combatants since 2002: 2,500

Minimum number of extraordinary renditions of "Dancing Queen" that John McCain has made since 2006: 200

Percentage of U.S. children who think Democrats who eat food from a dish on the kitchen floor are smarter than those who do not: 16

Percentage of U.S. students aged 12 to 17 who say they use text-message slang to argue that "Catholic politicians who publicly defend abortion should not receive Communion, and ministers of Communion should be responsibly charitable in denying it to them if they ask for it -- until they have reformed their lives": 38

Number of Texas school districts that keep track of truants by fastening bell collars around their necks: 53

Minimum number of times since 2000 John McCain has voted against increased funding for Veterans Affairs: 10

Price for which McCain donors could enter a contest last winter to win a day on the Straight Talk Express unless they come on the bus with a hostile line of questioning or have a long and well documented critique: $50

Percentage of registered voters who said in March that "Ralph Nader punishes us because we do not love him enough": 14

Lusciousness, in inches, of a "living coat" made of mouse stem-cells that was exhibited in March at the Museum of Modern Art: 17.5

Months into the exhibit that an aesthetic malfunction caused the artists' work to flee into my indomitable mouth: 1