Part 2 of 2: Sarah Palin Loved Tanveer Ahmad Until She Changed Her Mind

Joe Wurzelbacher thought this might be his cue to invite William Kristol to meet his family. He admitted that his mother would have a problem with him dating someone close to his own age. Joe Wurzelbacher brought William Kristol's hat to the office.

William Kristol distracted Sarah Palin by urging her to select bathroom tiles for their new house.

"Tanveer Ahmad went to immigration headquarters in Manhattan," William Kristol said, "and was delivered in shackles to the Monmouth County Correctional Institute in Freehold, N.J. His Texas misdemeanor had popped up in the computer as an offense involving a deadly weapon -- reason enough, after 9/11, for authorities to detain him pending deportation proceedings."

"These Troops and their important missions," Sarah Palin said, using two chairs for physical therapy, "those are truly the worthy causes in this world and should be the public priority with time and resources and not this local/superficial, wasteful political bloodsport."

Three weeks later, Tanveer Ahmad was dead.

Since Tanveer Ahmad had no known health problems, his friends were shocked and disbelieving. They were told that Ahmad had suffered a heart attack in the jail, and despite all efforts to revive him, had been pronounced dead in a hospital emergency room at 5:51 p.m. on Sept. 9.

An autopsy cited "occlusive coronary atherosclerosis."

"His friends did not know that the jail had a history of detainee complaints of medical neglect and physical abuse, and did not allow guards to send detainees to the medical unit without prior approval," Joe Wurzelbacher said. He sat next to William Kristol on the sofa.

"According to the jail’s internal investigation, Tanveer Ahmad walked into the medical unit shortly after 3:50 p.m. on Sept. 9 and 'was seen immediately,'" William Kristol said. "But a letter scrawled by a fellow inmate contended that before he showed up there, Tanveer Ahmad's pleas for treatment had been rebuffed by a guard for an hour."

"I loved Tanveer Ahmad," Sarah Palin said. "It was just, once the World Trade Center came down, I changed my mind."

Part 1 of 2: Sarah Palin Loved Tanveer Ahmad Until She Changed Her Mind

Sarah Palin took a risk, walking into Joe Wurzelbacher's garage.

She had a proposal: "I want you to help keep our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities: smaller government, energy independence, national security, and freedom!"

Joe Wurzelbacher refused to have anything to do with the plan.

"You should ask Tanveer Ahmad," he said.

Tanveer Ahmad, it turns out, was a longtime New York City cabdriver who had paid thousands of dollars in taxes and immigration application fees.

"I know when it's time to pass the ball -- for victory," Sarah Palin said.

Sarah Palin insisted on spending the weekend in Bensonhurst with her family.

As she talked about her relatives, Sarah Palin realized that Tanveer Ahmad's only trouble with the law was a $200 fine for disorderly conduct in 1997: while working at a Houston gas station, he had displayed the business’s unlicensed gun to stop a robbery.

"It would come back to haunt Tanveer Ahmad," she said, adding: "My decision was fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl to visit our wounded soldiers overseas, those who sacrifice themselves in war for our freedom and security. We can all learn from our selfless Troops."

William Krisol sat down with Sarah Palin to tell her that in the end, Tanveer Ahmad's body went back in a box to his native village, to be buried by his Pakistani widow and their two children.

"They're bold," Sarah Palin said of the Troops, "they don't give up, they take a stand and know that life is short so they choose to not waste time."

Bristol Palin asked for a ride to the lifeboat.

She said, "When immigration agents burst into Tanveer Ahmad’s two-room Flatbush apartment on Aug. 2, 2005, they were looking for someone else, his friends say -- a roommate suspected of violating his student visa by working. But they ordered Tanveer Ahmad to report to immigration headquarters in Manhattan on Aug. 11."

Why Those Iran Protests Stopped When Michael Jackson Died

"Mayakovsky Tree, did the protests in Iran stop because Michael Jackson still had a faithful punchbowl and his boiler was warm?"

The Mayakovsky Tree swayed at the trunk. His limbs rushed to the north like a tick fastened to the ear.

He planted a steel foot in the steam age and reclined in his idleness.

"I am large, like a girl with a bouncing ball," the Mayakovsky Tree said.

"Iran's Basij militia found Michael Jackson in his bedroom, and he wasn't breathing," I said. "He was still warm and had a punchbowl."

"Lickspittles with fountain pens compose romances for you on Headline News, where whores and hooligans walk, Shimmy."

"According to the Basij militia, Michael Jackson supervised or assisted punishable actresses in many aristocracies," I said.

A squirrel made its way up the Mayakovsky Tree, scratching its syphilitic claws along his trunk.

"Mayakovsky Tree, whether Michael Jackson wanted to or not, he brought pessimism into the publicity spike."

A hammer banged on the back porch. I hid underneath the ottoman.

"Shimmy, it's been nearly a week since U.S. troops pulled out of Iraq's major cities, and Michael Jackson still hasn't been buried."

"New compliments have arisen over Michael Jackson's vast esteem," I said. The ottoman comes with a padded top, and its underside makes me drowsy.

"Nouri al-Maliki took control of security in Iraq's urban areas, blushing like a grand piano after Michael Jackson died. Yet we don't have enough pockets to stuff our safes, Shimmy!"

Episode Thirty-One: "All Those People Died in Iran Because President Obama Didn't Talk Tougher"

RHODA: Lindsey Graham says a monumental event is going on in Iran.

MARY: The President of the United States is supposed to lead the free world and swat the Mullahs' laser-pointer dot.

RHODA: What if the image of blissful social unification through consumption merely postpones President Obama's awareness of the actual divisions in Iran?

MARY: Until his next disillusionment with some particular commodity?

RHODA: The signs are in English, according to Lindsey Graham.

MARY: Lindsay Graham says President Obama is too timid and passive to condemn the fundamental nature of this evil Mullah dictatorship. How hard can it be to swat a laser-pointer dot, Rhoda?

RHODA: Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War by making it clear to the oppressed peoples behind the Iron Curtain -- and their Communistic overlords -- that we are on the side of happy harmony, surrounded by desolation and horror, at the calm center of misery.

MARY: He did it. Just like that.

RHODA: He went to the Berlin Wall and said, "Mr. Gorbachev, the mechanical accumulation of needs imposed by modern consumerism unleashes an unlimited artificiality which overpowers any living desire."

MARY: "Mr. Gorbachev, the cumulative power of this autonomous artificiality ends up falsifying all social life."

RHODA: Dana Rohrabacher says that if President Obama had talked tougher a few days ago, maybe we wouldn't see bloodshed on the streets of Tehran.

MARY: Sure, and if the President talked tough to Glenn Beck, then all those Pit Bulls would still be alive.

RHODA: If the President talked tougher, then the rank and febrile dogs who live upstairs wouldn't bark every time the fraudulence of the satisfactions offered by the system is exposed by the continual replacement of products and the general conditions of production.

Hooray For Our Chains (15)

Bristol Palin Gets Emotional Every Time Glenn Beck Says, "President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?"

At the hostel, Bristol Palin discussed the missing eggplant with her mother.

Sarah Palin even called Bill O'Reilly, the queen of southern Italian vegetables, to find out if he could remember what had happened to the rest of the eggplants.

Bill O'Reilly said, "Dr. George Tiller will kill your baby for $5,000, any reason. Any reason."

Bristol Palin was not in favor of her mother's idea to have more chili sauce.

She ignored Bill O'Reilly when he said, "If we allow Dr. George Tiller and his acolytes to continue, we can no longer pass judgment on any behavior by anybody."

Sarah Palin reminded her daughter that David Letterman would not stop the time clock.

She admitted that David Letterman's prejudice toward freshwater branchiopod crustaceans caught her by surprise and that she really did not understand how they used their biramous antennae as locomotor organs.

She wanted more chili sauce so that she could feel like a good mother.

Bill O'Reilly and Pat Buchanan had fun watching that goofy jellyfish movie on Peter Brimelow's phone.

Pat Buchanan was shocked: his father, Marcus Epstein, approached Bristol Palin and said that he was in town in response to an intuitive reprimand from her mother.

Bristol Palin was surprised that her mother contacted Glenn Beck, too.

She got emotional when Glenn Beck said, "President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire? For the love of Pete, what are you doing?"

But, remember, Glenn Beck promised he'd never modify an electrical treadmill just to torture those dogs (Pit Bulls) again. He invited Bristol Palin and her friends to a steak dinner in Chicago to reduce stiffness and muscle ache. Then he left for Montreal.

The nurse said that Scientologist Greta Van Susteren was agitated, and everyone hoped that President Obama could visit and calm her down. David Letterman offered to accompany Bristol Palin, and the two of them headed for the nurse's home.

Greta Van Susteren returned from grocery shopping with bags full of decomposed elements, artistic debris, and esthetico-technical hybrids.

David Letterman apologized for the excesses of a world which has become foreign to us as if they were excesses foreign to our world.

Review: Careful

"Look at this, Shimmy, my mountain hideaway," Sarah Neville said. "The two of us can be outcasts here together. We need never see anyone but each other. We can live on berries and grasses and small animals we can kill with sharp sticks."

Iraq held its first state funeral since the United States invaded in 2003. We traveled like pirates, and Sarah cried so much she bothered everyone around me. This is what being enchanted means. Iraq's first state funeral since the United States invaded in 2003 was for Harith al-Ubaidi, a murdered Sunni Muslim leader. The head of the biggest Sunni bloc in parliament and a leading human rights advocate, Al-Ubaidi was shot dead at a mosque in western Baghdad after Friday prayers.

Katya Gardner's eyes were reduced to petty binoculars when she watched Sarah Neville take me into a cave with German expressionist stalactites and technicolor lens fog and two rocking chairs labeled "Klara" and "Poppa."

In Tolzbad, even the animals' vocal cords are cut. "You better put your name on your new toothbrush before an accident happens," Gosia Dobrowolska warned her son, Kyle McCulloch.

(He graduated from Tolzbad Butler Gymnasium and immediately found work as a servant for Count Knotckers, who wanted to kiss Gosia's breast like Kyle's brother, Johann, once did in a dream.)

"Al-Ubaidi was the voice of moderation and, unfortunately, those kinds of men are always targeted because of that," Ayad al-Samarai, Iraq's parliamentary speaker, said as al-Ubaidi's coffin, and that of a brother-in-law, were laid out in parliament. "You should never hold a baby's face near an open pin," Gosia explained, as another day went by without anyone opening the back door and letting me walk on the porch. Police said a young man shot Al-Ubaidi twice in the head with a pistol before opening fire on worshippers and throwing a grenade. Then he was killed by mosque guards. "Be careful, Otto," Michael O'Sullivan said, standing blindfolded on a fourteen-foot ladder while reflected in a sheet of plexiglass. "Don’t spill it. Hold your horses. Children, heed the warnings of your parents. Peril awaits the incautious wayfarer."