Sunday, December 02, 2007

Spill Your Guts, Wastebasket Enemy Combatant!

To this day, if a mouse is running a high fever, you rub the fetid little creature from snout to tail with sandpapered saliva and sometimes ask Glenn Beck to pack ice around its body.

Rubbing my body against the Wastebasket Enemy Combatant makes me feel cold, which Tony and Shelly think can make me sick. Cold does not make me sick; Glenn Beck makes me sick (even though he admitted in court that he tortured and killed all those Pit bulls).

Rubbing so hard against the Wastebasket Enemy Combatant until I knock it on the floor -- the shock and klangfarbenmelodie of crumpled paper spilled everywhere! -- can lower my defenses to viruses, but it does not make me sick by itself as does the knowledge that Nancy Pelosi rewards the Democratic Party for being idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean. If anything, rubbing against the Wastepaper Enemy Combatant kills bacteria not yet inside my body.

Rubbing my cheeks against the 11 reams of paper stacked in the living room does not cause pneumonia. The reason why cold viruses are associated with matter is simply that, under very cold conditions, the War on Terror produces terror (cold products from matter) in microorganisms to stop cilia. There's the rub.

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