Episode Nineteen: "The Rime of the Ancient Waterboarder" (Part 1 of 2)

RHODA: I understand why the Democrats are caving on Judge Michael Mukasey's nomination for Attorney General.

MARY: Because Dianne Feinstein and Charles Schumer eat wet food the White House dumps in a bowl on the floor?

RHODA: They're not cowed by the Mukasey nomination, Mary.

MARY: Of course not. The Democrats are "idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean."

RHODA: Mary, think about it. Judge Michael Mukasey is one of them. He's a liberal judicial activist. He's pink down to his underwear.

MARY: Squirrels eat through screen doors and flop, scolding, into my mouth. Joe Lieberman punishes us because we do not love him enough.

RHODA: Mukasey is your typical liberal. That's what I mean. He's a judicial activist, not an impartial judge.

MARY: Mukasey immobilizes cab drivers and illegally rendered suspects on their backs, with their heads inclined downward, and pours water over their faces to simulate drowning. How is that "activism," Rhoda?

RHODA: Maybe that's not torture. I can see what he means -- from the liberal judicial activist point of view.

MARY: Maybe it wasn't torture when Iranian students conducted mock executions of U.S. hostages in 1979 and 1980.

RHODA: It's all relative, Mary. If Mukasey were a strict constructionist, his testimony on waterboarding would be entirely different.