Monday, October 12, 2009

My Index

Number of states where John L. Perry would be arrested for advocating the overthrow of the United States government, per Title 18 of U.S. Code ยง 2385: 50

Estimated number of U.S. adults who believe that Mayakovsky's poem, "The Cloud in Trousers," is about John L. Perry advocating "a bloodless coup" that would overthrow Barack Obama: 6,500,000

Estimated percentage change since 2003 in the number of Christians living in Iraq: -60

Minimum number of Americans named Judie Brown who feel that "the fact that the pro-abort Kennedy received a Catholic burial was a total, absolute insult to Christ the Lord that went beyond anything I have witnessed in my more than 65 years of life": 1

Percentage change since 2008 in the number of U.S. households who secretly eat from their neighbors' gardens: +19

Percentage of the gardeners who say "Barack Obama has been running around the world apologizing for the United States of America. Why would anybody award the Olympics to such a crappy place as the United States of America?": 2

Years after his escape that Pepe, a hippopotamus from Pablo Escobar's collection, raged on raw meat as the sky changed its hue and grew irreproachably tender: 3

Percentage of unemployed Americans who take a nap each day in the empty wicker newspaper box underneath the bed: 39

Percentage of employed Americans who do: 59

2 Comments:

Blogger Michael Trigilio said...

Obviously, I thought of you when I saw this:
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Cat-Toast_Device

I thought of you, and of course, I thought of Glen Beck (wondering how no one ever talks about how he killed those dogs).

10:04 PM  
Blogger Shimmy said...

I know, isn't it funny, Michael, that Glenn Beck NEVER talks anymore about all those dogs (Pit Bulls) he tortured and killed?

I enjoy listening to your science. Still, I quibble with it: "when the cellotape is attached to the cat's tail, the cat feels compelled to escape the anomaly caused by the disruption in tail dynamics." This Dr. Mengele fantasy does not take into account the "observer effect" -- the way that the act of observation actually affects the behavior of the object being observed. In other words, the scientist who attempts to tape the piece of buttered toast to the back of the cat ends up with a bloody stump and can no longer grip the piece of toast (or anything else, for that matter, for the rest of his life).

7:40 AM  

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