My Index

Total number of x-ray images of my trunk that five of the six candidates for Republican National Committee Chair bragged about owning during their January debate: 5

Number of candidates who apologized for having "too many to count": 1

Average pain rating, on a scale of 1 to 7, given by study participants when hit in the head by a shoe thrown by Muntader al-Zaidi: 3.0

Average rating they assigned the same impact when Muntader al-Zaidi said, "In that moment, I saw nothing but Bush, and I felt the blood of the innocents flowing under his feet while he was smiling that smile": 0

Percentage of U.S. cats sitting on top of important papers on the desk who think their lives serve "an important purpose": 99

Percentage of U.S. cats who can open closet doors anytime they want who say they are "completely satisfied" with themselves: 84

Extra earmarks that a California student added to his GPA last year by hacking into a school computer: 1.9

Minimum number of U.S. homeowners whose banks improved their mortgage terms in the first quarter of last year by digging up corpses to harvest body parts to be spliced together in attempts to resuscitate dead people: 73,000

Percentage of them who were a month or more behind in their payments six months after the relief in order to prevent sacrilege and to prevent the Catholic in question from committing further grave sin through unworthy reception: 55