Thanks, Whoopi Goldberg, for Defending Glenn Beck, Who Killed All Those Dogs

On television, Whoopi Goldberg said that dogfighting isn't that unusual "from where Glenn Beck comes from."

"It's like cockfighting in Puerto Rico," she said. "There are certain things that are indicative to certain parts of the country."

I smelled cicadas, celery stalks, a foothill of catnip, a crowd of ants on a stray NF Formula food pellet, the dog across the hall, cilantro, squirrels, a drill bit, sandalwood incense, the Gauloises that Guy Debord held between two fingers, the bottom of Tony's left shoe, and a broccoli crown.

"I don't understand, Debord. Glenn Beck was born in Mount Vernon, Washington, and went to high school in Bellingham," I said.

"Shimmy, the 'decision celebrity' must possess a complete stock of accepted human qualities." Debord's smoke rose from his fingertips and formed a parasol. "Celebrities pass into the spectacle as a model for identification. They renounce all autonomous qualities in order to identify themselves with the general law of obedience to the course of things."

"But Glenn Beck killed all those dogs. The police caught him with a 'break' or 'parting' stick for prying open dogs' mouths during fights and an electric treadmill modified for dogs." I licked my left haunch. A noise came from the back porch. "Fifty-four American Pit Bull Terriers were imprisoned on Glenn Beck's estate. He electrocuted and drowned eight Pit Bulls."

"Being a celebrity means specializing in the seemingly lived," Debord said. He stubbed his cigarette on a dinner plate.

"I am supposed to believe that in the Pacific Northwest, it's a sport to torture and murder dogs."

"The celebrity is the object of identification with the shallow seeming life that has to compensate for the fragmented productive specializations which are actually lived."