My Index

Percentage of U.S. conservatives who report having fallen asleep in the bathtub: 82

Percentage of liberals who do: 100

Percentage of Americans who say that fighting lugubrious dog smell viper from the back porch should be one of the nation's top two priorities: 96

Percentage of those too distracted to answer, sniffing the back door welcome mat or eating dead leaves: 3

Number of mice I have destroyed at some point since March 2001: 7

Percentage of those mice scared to death instead of eaten, and whom I placed next to my raving, supine body to display to Tony and Shelly: 14.3

Average number of squirrels named "Ashcroft" per every square mile of Rogers Park: 7

Average number named "Alito": 33

Chances that the cat in the window across the street will lick himself if I blink at him: 4 in 5

Estimated amount the White House would save each year on paperwork if it declared martial law: $161,000,000,000

Number of times Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association a "terrorist organization": 1

Number of times he described the vet and his nurses and needles and chromium exam table as a "terrorist organization": 0

Number of times this week the red construction-paper tail of my Alito catnip-mouse reminded me of the red robe Squeaky Fromme wore: 12

Estimated number of times this week my mouse made Mrs. Alito go weep! weep! weep!: 342,000

Chance that a TV character engaging in sexual intercourse during the 2004-2005 season was a cat: 0

Chances that a TV character engaging in sexual intercourse during the 2004-2005 season was Ken Starr: 3 in 5