Episode Five: "Satanic Majesties Mail Call"

SHELLY:
We got a postcard from Uptown Animal Hospital.

TONY:
Oh, my.

SHELLY:
Shimmy's due for her rabies shot.

[A hawk in the window.]

TONY:
There's some fun.

[A rock python in the bathtub drain. Dogs upstairs.]

SHELLY:
Poor girl. She'll go crazy.

[Pleased to meet you, Dr. Lynndie England. These are my guardians, Tony and Shelly. They need you to give them a full medical checkup and cavity search. Here, have a smoke. Thumbs up!]

TONY:
When should we make the appointment?

MURRAY SLAUGHTER:
You don't have to.

TONY:
It's for her own good.


[Careful, Tony. They don't have leash laws in Baghdad.]

MURRAY:
Hasn't she been through enough? You spayed the poor thing in 1995. You never let her outside. You leave every day but don't come back home with squirrels or bats or ants. Where is her bag of moths? Is that a goldfish? Of course not. It's never a goldfish. Where did you hide Alito-mouse?

SHELLY:
Murray, we open the back door for her just about every day. She goes out on the porch. Then runs back in 10 seconds later.

MURRAY:
But then you shut it again.

SHELLY:
She has to get that shot.

[Pack your bags. File your itinerary with the NSA. I'm sure Ahmed Chalabi would be happy to give you a tour of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.]

MURRAY:
She will set herself on fire. She will defoliate the living room. You will think she's Linda Blair.

SHELLY:
But the vet loves her. He distracted her when he gave her the shot last year. He made it easier for her, psychologically. He's kind.

MURRAY:
She will vomit hairballs where you walk. She will scream. She will break into closets. She will knock pens and pencils from your desktops. She will drop a load in a place she's keeping secret. She will hide. She will not forgive you.