See How Sean Hannity Crawls to Lick Ann Coulter's Calloused Hands

"Then what happened, Shimmy?"

The Mayakovsky Tree was stained deep brown by an early-summer thunderstorm. Its squirrels were drowned.

The bole of the Mayakovsky Tree was decorated with three tall sticks and some chipmunk pieces for stability.

"They took away the suitcase I slept on. Ann Coulter came over every day and mixed my heart medicine with stigmata and Friskies Shredded with Beef and Gravy."

"Then what happened?"

"She moved my food and water dishes from the kitchen into the bedroom because of ants. It rained every day. Ann Coulter ate wild insects with her bare hands."

"And then what happened, Shimmy?"

The Mayakovsky Tree is a delicate, remarkable thing. It is awake most of the day and sleeps at night and is covered with dark green robust fabric that protects it from its enemies.

"The eerie effect of Ann Coulter's glowing eyes is created by matting a negative (reversed) image of her eyes over her pupils when she uses her powers," I said.

"From words like Ann Coulter's, coffins burst from the earth," the Mayakovsky Tree said, "and stride forth on their own four oaken legs. But see how Sean Hannity crawls to lick Ann Coulter's calloused hands!"

"She watched me eat," I said. I remembered a still moth on the window screen. "She waited for me to fall asleep so she could steal all my food."

"Then what happened?"

"Someone like Ann Coulter who thinks about dead people when she's making love should avoid using 'hijack' and 'religion' in the same sentence," I said.

"Then what happened, Shimmy?"

"They came home with two backpacks and a suitcase," I said. "There was some talk of Pennsylvania. Shelly crumpled a hotel receipt and threw it away. A bat with wrinkled wings flew into my mouth and water fell out of the bathtub spigot for the first time in five days. They opened all the windows and complained."