[My Chain Gang, 1]

SHIMMY: Why do you want to work on my chain gang, Alberto Gonzales?

EX-ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES: An impostor staff found food to start something like a poisoning hotel. I'm taking over the whole world.

SHIMMY: How can you ever know, really, the sound coming from the radiator? Can you figure it out?

EX-ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES: President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale.

SHIMMY: What happens if my Tora Bora box is not scooped every day and cleaned wholesale once per week?

EX-ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES: Two electrical, woodsy dogs are trying to cut long line branches and trying to line-attack branches. The slobbering, filthy dogs actually are government police going as: a) impostors posing as mice hiding beneath the stove; and b) the kind of mice who like to blow steam into a tray and make a lot of noise.

SHIMMY: What if I hire you for my chain gang and you wake up at night soaked from recurring nightmares of waterboarding, forced standing, sleep-deprivation, sexual humiliation, and sensory-deprivation?

EX-ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES: Mice looking like friends -- I sense they actually have squirrels they say look like friends. Sure enough, they do.

SHIMMY: I need my chain gang to open the back door for me whenever I want, and to roll the one-ounce jar of ground cloves back and forth on the living room carpet so that I can swat at it.

EX-ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES: The rubber is put over the mouse's face, for instance. They put a foot on the back of the neck and pull up on the rubber. Another person slaps the prickly rodent ears. Before starting, they tell the mouse, "When you want to talk more, nod your head."