Who Was Yukio Asano? (Part 3)

He had wrapped the document in cellophane and strapped it to an inclined board. If he poured water on it, the cellophane would simulate drowning.

"What information could you possibly get from the Constitution if you water-board it?" I asked the President of the War on Terror.

"I'm not interested in information. I want a confession."

"Do you know who Yukio Asano was?"

"Get outta my way. I've got dunking to do! This is a no-brainer, Shimmy."

"Yukio Asano was a Japanese officer sentenced to 15 years of hard labor in 1947 for water-boarding a U.S. civilian."

"Was Asano pro-troops?"

"There's nothing you can do," I said. "If you water-board the Constitution, you'll just extract whatever information the Constitution thinks will stop the torture."

Three flecks of blood floated from the left corner of his bottom lip like leaves falling from The Mayakovsky Tree.

I strolled over to him and rubbed the top of my head against the American-flag pin on his butcher's lapel.

I'd have to wash myself thoroughly later.

"Just hand over the Constitution," I said, purring. "My cousin Winter gave it to me. What do you need it for? Water-boarding is going to soak the pages, but it won't change what they say. When the ink dries again, the document will be even more brittle than you think it is right now."

The President of the War on Terror hung his head, the Constitution in his outstretched hand. I took it from him.

"Shimmy, did I tell you that last night I saved an orphan girl from six rock pythons on the Maryland interstate? I hypnotized a mongoose and made it talk like a penguin. Then I built a neighborhood of bungalows out of toothpicks, balsa wood, and confetti. I ate a hundred thousand Pixie Stix for lunch and crushed Mount Monadnock with my bare hands."

"You don't have to lie to me. The problem with smoking guns that are hidden is that you can't see their smoke," I said.

"I collaborated with Rimsky-Korsakov on Kashchey the Immortal and The Tale of Tsar Tsaltan. He asked me to."