Monday, August 10, 2009

Today is the Day When the Goon Meets the Gun

When the AFL-CIO arrived at the Brady Pub at 9:40 a.m. Saturday, it received an email that said: "I will be going to a local town hall this weekend, all you union members BEWARE! We will be waiting for you. Better make sure you have arrangements with your local E.R. Today is the day when the goon meets the gun. See you there."

At Republican Congressman Mike Castle's town hall meeting in Delaware, a woman stood up and said, "Sarah Palin stole my birth certificate from the United States of American, saying I am an American citizen. With a seal on it. Signed by a doctor. With a hospital administrator's name. I want to know why people are ignoring that Sarah Palin yields to the impulse to steal objects that are needed neither for personal use nor for their monetary worth."

Lou Dobbs informed Mara Liasson that he was going to the courthouse to make sure Glenn Beck didn't poison Nancy Pelosi's wine.

Mara Liasson reminded him that he couldn't speak at the hearing, so Lou Dobbs agreed not to go. He declined Mara Liasson's offer to do something fun together, asserting that he needed to talk to Sara Palin, the kleptomaniac, about whether or not the America she knows and loves will have to stand in front of Obama's "death panel" so his bureaucrats can decide whether they are worthy of health care.

Sarah Palin implored her son to let her accompany him for moral support, and he reluctantly agreed.

"Sarah Palin's thefts are committed neither out of anger or revenge nor in response to delusions or hallucinations," said the woman who claims she talks to angels, who claims the Earth will be destroyed in 95 million years, and who interrupted Mike Castle's Delaware town hall meeting. "Sarah Palin's kleptomania is not better explained by Antisocial Personality Disorder, Conduct Disorder, or a Manic Episode. I want my country back!"

At the hospital, Lou Dobbs noted that Sarah Palin's brain activity continued to diminish, and ordered a nurse to keep a ventilator on standby.

William Kristol arrived and greeted Sarah Palin, the kleptomaniac, with a kiwi. She was surprised to learn that disgraced former New York Times reporter Judith Miller was accepted as a kinswoman. William Kristol urged his imaginary wife to give it a chance, since it was what they had prayed for.

Sarah Palin, the kleptomaniac, agreed this was great news.

William Kristol stood over his imaginary wife, the kleptomaniac Sarah Palin, and declared that he felt like an idiot for believing that she loved him. "You have been stealing for as long as I can remember," he said. "When the teacher said, All right, Brittany and Chloe are missing their wallets, you would sit there gloomy, feeling sorry for them but also kind of relieved because you possessed something in your bag that wasn't yours."

"Who leaves their wallet lying around with a hundred-dollar bill in it?" the kleptomaniac Sarah Palin said.

Sarah Palin slipped into her rosary once she heard the tympanist. At the jamboree, Lou Dobbs was impatient for the balalaika to begin.


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