Sunday, April 16, 2006

New Constitution

"Gimme that," he said.

The President of the War on Terror sat at the lip of my litter box, his right arm outstretched and his feet dangling.

I heard something upstairs. I blinked, just in case it was a goldfish. A slanting sound of wind against the glass. And a potted plant on the window sill I can't reach unless I jump.

"Give it to me, Shimmy."

"It's mine."

I knew that he would bury it again. This was all the President of the War on Terror wanted it for -- to cover the Constitution with mounds of sand in my litter box.

But I couldn't confront him directly, because he just would lie to me anyway.

"It's a memento from my cousin, Winter," I told him. "She is fierce and gray, the Queen of Oakland. She wrapped it for me in brown paper."

Last week, Winter sent me a new copy of the constitution to replace the one buried by the President of the War on Terror this past February.

No one believes in Winter's psychic abilities and no one understands her preaching style. Two years ago, at a different apartment two blocks away in Oakland, my dear cousin Winter lived one floor above a shrimp farm in a wading pool. Odious, malignant shrimp, imperious swimming. Day and night in a child's plastic pool . . . and Winter trapped by the four-square walls of Trish's apartment.

"I just want to read it, Shimmy. It sounds like Winter gave you an interesting book."

His eyelids fluttered, like he does when reporters ask him questions and he's making up a lie. The tip of his fulsome Texas lip quivered.

"But you don't even know how to read," I said. "And you buried my last copy."

"I won't this time. Promise. I rescued a mother and her children from alligators in front of the Mayflower Hotel yesterday. Lech Walesa offered me the presidency of Poland but I said no. Ann Coulter put her hand on my leg last night as we watched a snuff film together in her basement."

"You're lying to me again," I said.

"I built a 4,000-mile suspension bridge across the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the night."

"Did you hose the blood off Rumsfeld this morning?"

"Gimme that copy of the constitution. I promise I won't bury it this time."

3 Comments:

Anonymous superstud said...

People lie in life, Shimster, but not about flirting with Ann Coulter! Some things are too sacred to malign through dishonesty.

10:29 PM  
Anonymous Aaron said...

Care to comment on how it feels, relatively speaking, to have your blog spammed by a "secret shopping" scheme? Perhaps it's an indication that you're getting some decent traffic....

5:23 PM  
Blogger Shimmy said...

The spammers buzzed me in squadrons this week, I know. They're just jealous because I found a new basket to sleep in, and I've been out twice on the back porch this week.

9:46 AM  

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